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Cast:
- Father Christmas
- The Doctor
- The Valiant Soldier
- St George
- The Parson (Willoghby Bertie)
- Beelzebub
- Tosspot
- Johnny Jack
- Christmas Boy
- Turkish Knight
- The Buckland Shag
Christmas Boy rings bell and sweeps a space with his broom and shouting "Room! Room!"
- Christmas Boy
- I open the door and enter in,
I beg your pardon before I begin
I am the Christmas boy, I come to clear the way,
And many follow after me to show you sport and play.
Room! Room! Pray gallants, Make room so we can start,
For in comes Father Christmas, to show his thespian art!
Enter Father Christmas.
- Father Chrismas
- In comes I, old Father Christmas, am I welcome or am I not
I hope old Father Christmas will never be forgot
My hair is white, my back is bent,
My knees are weak, my strength is spent
My mind's estranged, my body's lame
(At least they've kept my lines the same!)
I've lived two thousand years - a very long time
So good folks, pray give me room to rhyme
Then my bold mummers will act their festive play
And bring you sport and fun upon this Boxing Day
Today for you there shall be shown
The dreadfullest battle that ever was known
'Tween brave St. George and Turkey Knight
Unto the death they both shall fight.
And
When you think victory's in the bag
We'll see our hero get a Shag
If you don't believe a word I say
Step in Johnny Jack and clear the way
Enter Johnny Jack
- Johnny Jack
- In comes I, little Johnny Jack, my wife and family at my back
I'm hounded and harried, but I don't ever pay
The bailiffs, the taxman, or the C S A.
I may be little, I may be small, but I'm the biggest rogue of all.
A room, a room, pray gallants, room! I come to clear the way
And many follow after me to show you sport and play.
The first that comes in, is old Tosspot
He is the boldest of the lot
Give him a helping from the barrel
And no man is quicker to a quarrel
Enter Tosspot:
- Tosspot
- In comes I, what ain't been yet, with my big head and little wit
My head is big my wit is small, but I'm the best man of you all.
St George with sword and buckler may be able
But I can drink him underneath the table.
Enter St George; Tosspot continually goads him
- Saint George
- In comes I, brave St. George a man of blood and glory
I've won great fame and all the world must have heard my story
I fought the fiery dragon
And brought him to the slaughter
By which deed I won the hand
Of the king of Egypt's daughter.
And when today I've proved the best,
With any luck I'll win the rest.......
Here without a care for error
I declare the war on terror.
With sword and buckler by my side
I'll save the land this cold yuletide
- TP
- St George may claim to beat all comers
But I'm the champion of these mummers!
My blood is up, his heart is sinking,
Hurrah for 24 hour drinking!
- SG
- And who might you be, boastful sir?
- TP
- Tosspot the fearless; fiend of Hell
Not just a drunk, I smoke as well!
I once killed ten thousand men with a seed of mustard
And ten thousand more with an old squashed toad
What thinks you of that sir saint?
If you don't be off I'll serve you the same.
Tosspot whacks and taunts St George but is eventually chased away.
- SG
- Old Tosspot didn't want to taste my steel,
There is no man can make me kneel!
- JJ
- Come in Valiant Soldier, and give St George a scrap
His boasting is a load of ranting...........nonsense!
And by his swaggering manner you might guess
That he was ex marines or even SAS!
- Valiant Soldier
- In comes I, a valiant soldier, just lately come from France
With my broadsword all in my hand I'll make St George to dance
I'll hang his body from a tree after I win this battle
And then I'll cut his driblets out and feed them to my cattle.
- SG
- You sir?
- VS
- Aye Sir!
- SG
- Try Sir.
They fight and VS is killed and dragged off by FC, JJ and TP
- SG
- You see, in battle I defeat all comers
I am the mother of all mummers!
Enter Turkish Knight.
- Turkey Knight
- In comes I, the Turkish Knight
Come from Turkey land to fight
Bold Slasher is my name, St. George my foe
I'll make him yield before I go
I'll fight St George that man of courage bold
If his blood runs hot I'll quickly make it cold
I'll hash him and smash him small as flies,
And send him to the cook shop to make mince pies
- All
- Mince pies hot, mince pies cold
Thousands in the superstore
Until they've all been sold.....
- SG
- Ho ho my little man your talk is very bold
You turkey snipe, by you I'll not be told.
I do not care for threatening words, nor any blows and bumps
Should you cut me from my legs, I'll fight you on my stumps.
- TK
- I'll run your driblets through I'll make your buttons fly
- SG
- I'll hang your body from a tree and leave it there to dry
- TK
- My head is made of iron, my body lined with steel
My arms and legs are beaten brass, Ill quickly make you kneel.
- SG
- You saucy man you should be stabbed
Pull out your sword and fight or pull out your purse and pay
Satisfaction I will have before the end of day.
- TK
- Appoint the place and there you'll meet the edge of my long knife
- SG
- The place is here, the time is now,
Black knight defend thy life.
They fight and SG is killed by a foul blow.
- FC
- Oh woe! Oh woe! What have you done?
You've killed my mother's only son.
Is there a doctor to be found, or any near at hand
To cure this deep and ghastly wound and make St. George to stand?
Enter Doctor
- Doctor
- In comes I, Doctor Good
I soon will staunch the seeping blood
I'll raise him even if he's shot
(Tell me, how much money have you got?)
Now I'm here his life is saved
But if he dies my fee is waived
- FC
- Doctor, I cannot pay your fee
I thought your work here would be free
I have but five farthings to feed the poor
I'll give you four but cant pay more
- Doc
- In that case he'll have to make an appointment.
These sporting injuries are clogging up the system
He may have forced the dragon from the gates of Hades
But he'll not get past my two reception ladies!
- FC
- The Doctor's apprentice could cure our lord
And charge a fee we CAN afford
Come in, come in young Johnny Jack
And save old England from the rack.
- Johhny Jack
- My name's not Johnny Jack, it's Mister John Jack Finney Esquire
But you may call me sir
- FC
- Well then, I'll call you, ..... sir.
Mister Finney your patient awaits a cure
Johnny Jack examines St George then tickles him. St. George moves
- JJ
- This patient isn't dead!
- FC
- Oh yes he is!
- JJ
- Oh no he isn't!
(etc....)
Enter Turkish Knight who shoots St George
- TK
- Oh Yes he is!
- JJ
- Hocus pocus! Fix this knight
Cure his pains and set him right
Revive his foot, Restore for his brain
And raise the little boy who lives down the lane!
There! St George is cured but doesn't know it yet.
- FC
- I'm not convinced.
- JJ
- Then pay the quack his due for I'll not try again.
- FC
- There is no money in my sack
To pay a cringing, worthless quack
- Doc
- I'm no quack, I've trained long and hard.
By the way - if you're in BUPA I'll take Mastercard
- FC
- No more talk about your fees, attend your patient, if you please!
- Doc
- OK but first, Jack! get the Boy to take my horse.
Jack struggles to control the horse:
- CB
- Does he bite?
- JJ
- No of course he doesn't bite
(horse attempts to bite him)
- CB
- Does he kick?
- JJ
- No of course he doesn't kick!
(hops around as horse kicks him)
- CB
- Does it take three men to hold him?
- JJ
- No of course it doesn't take three men to hold him
(horse drags him around)
- CB
- Hold him yourself then! Just grab him by the tail.
(Johhny Jack is dragged off by horse)
Doctor examines St. George.
- FC
- Doctor, Doctor what can you cure
- Doc
- Whatever you pleases.
- FC
- That's no answer, name the diseases!
- Doc
- I'll cure all ills, I tell no lies,
I'll raise the dead before your eyes!
The itch, the stitch, the pox and the gout,
Whatever the problem, I'll fetch it out.
I fix fractured bones, broken hearts and a twisted mind,
Mumps, grumps, nagging wives and other pests of every kind.
- FC
- How did you come by such rare skills?
- Doc
- The long laborious training of the Shaman
May not be comprehended by the layman.
Nor dare I tell the things revealed to me
Since I was struck off by the G M C.
Yet with secrets found in darkest Dorking
I'll soon have this knight up and walking.
- FC
- Make your cure.
- Doc
- Aha! Now I see the trouble and I will cure it at the double
In his head he has the tooth of a long dead hairy wolf
Jack, fetch me my bag!
- JJ
- Fetch it yourself!
- Doc
- What do I keep you for?
- JJ
- Not to be your fool!
- Doc
- Be your own fool for once then and fetch it!
- JJ
- In that case I'll fetch it right away.
Jack brings doctor's bag and doctor proceeds to pull tooth - SG does not stir
- Doc
- In my bag there's more than any thinks.
Pills, potions, powders
And stuff for spiking drinks
(That stuff that quickly makes the ladies tight
I flog it round the clubs on Friday night),
Proceeds to pull various tools etc from bag and "attends to" St George.
- Doc
- I'll take a drop from my magic bottle
And pour it down St. George's throttle
A drop for his head and a drop for his heart
Rise up St. George; regain thy part.
Doctor gives St George some "medicine" and SG slowly gets up
- SG
- How long have I lain on that floor
It feels at least ten years or more.
What Slasher did was out of bounds
Now I must lay his body down.
Come on, Come on, foul Turkish Knight
Lay hold your sword and learn to fight.
Enter Turkish Knight who is beaten to the ground by St. George.
- TK
- O Pardon me St. George. O pardon me I crave,
If you will spare my life I swear
I'll always be your slave.
- SG
- Arise you cowardly dog and tell the rest
Of brave St. George and England's best
Enter Beelzebub leading Buckland Shag.
- Beelzebub
- In comes I, Beelzebub,
Over me shoulder I carries me knob
In me 'and a dripping pan;
Don't you think me an 'andsome young man?
Just 'cause Slasher's gone away
Don't think St. George has won the day.
This beast may like the old doc's horse
But he's our rapid reaction force
Now our victory's in the bag.
Behold, St George........ the Buckland Shag!
- SG
- What beast is this that I must face
To restore peace unto this place.
- B
- The Shag from Buckland's brook does come,
Its cold black water is his home
A blood red rock is his dining table
He feasts on virgins when he's able!
A very picky diet to be sure
But the odd hiker keeps him from death's door.
Tonight St George your plans we'll scupper
The Shag will have you for his supper.
St. George and the Shag fight but despite multiple stabs the Shag won't die. SG grabs it by the neck
- SG
- What creature's this that can't be slain
Must I let him go again?
No! You'll not slay another person
You need exorcizing, where's that parson?
Enter Parson
- Willoghby Bertie
- In comes I, a country parson
Willoughby Bertie is what I'm called
All the way from Buckland parish,
I've run, and walked, and crawled.
To exorcise this beast is why I've come
And I shan't go home until it's done.
He shall no more cause fear and fright
When his home becomes a landfill site.
Produces cross and bible and makes gestures.
- WB
- Begone foul fiend and slay no more
Let travellers wend their ways
Sleep in your stream, don't venture forth
Til mayday sun's first rays
Exit Shag pursued by Parson
Enter cast led by Johnny Jack
- JJ
- Our sport is over, our time is done
The Shag's gone home, St. George has won!
And no-one's really lost their life,
Let's hope there will be no more strife.
Ladies and Gentlemen:
Although our company is but small
I scarce have bread to feed them all
So search your purses, give what you please
Old Father Christmas will gratefully receive
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